I am a fan of Facebook. I participate whole- heartedly in the culture of Facebook and am fascinated by the rules of decorum and the way that Facebook has permeated my social life… and now for some musings on “becoming Facebook official”
I had been thinking about asking my significant other about becoming “Facebook official” and a few nights ago he asked me if I would like to become “Facebook official.” Now, as two rational media scholars would naturally do, we had a big conversation about what that meant and how to approach this.
Thus far, my profile had the “interested in” and “relationship status” categories removed from my profile, because, quite honestly, that is not the business of people over the Internet. I feel the right to keep my personal information personal. Give away too much over Facebook and suddenly you wind up with people knowing more about you than you expected because they read it over Facebook. Michael’s status said “single” which had clearly been inaccurate for weeks now, and at the very least, we decided should be removed.
He, out of courtesy to me, asked if he too should remove status, but I consciously decided I would not mind taking this public and for the scrutiny of all of my friends, not to mention, anyone who knows me well already knew about Mike. This was just committing to each other semantically.
This is a big commitment because it is changes the discourse surrounding a relationship. Up until this point I had referred to him as “the guy I am seeing” or “my tango partner” or “significant other” however becoming Facebook official designates the switch over from whatever kind of terms to a more standard use of “boyfriend” and “girlfriend.”
I had asked him what he called me when he was talking to other people about me and the discourse surrounding our coupling thus far. We had seemed to be in agreement that we were not at a proper place to refer to each other in terms of b/f and g/f.
In addition to a shift in personal discourse, linking one’s Facebook profile to another’s in that way offers friends of either party to Facebook stalk the linked person. I realized that my Facebook did not project a digital profile I was comfortable having his friends stalk, and probably judge me over and so I told him I needed 48 hours to make my profile what I wanted his friends to see, which, was a reasonable request, and an opportunity for the both of us to do some routine maintanance on our pages that were much needed.
We expected, much like history has shown, that when relationship statuses change and show up on News feed (stalker feed) then there tends to be an onslaught of commentary that comes from the woodwork either congratulating or expressing condolences for said change. So, we made the change. After sorting through all of our photos and un-tagging things and changing privacy settings and all but changing our profile pictures, we made the change.
I had forgotten about the ideological change I had made on Facebook I made a year ago. I told my Facebook to not notify people about my change in relationship status. I noticed this because I had not received the expected deluge of commentary and had to go back through my privacy settings. This led to the conclusion that there are degrees of becoming “Facebook official” and that changing a relationship status was one thing, where as letting it show up in all of my friends’ news-feeds was another. There is being open in public about a relationship and adopting a set of terms to use to describe the relationship and then there is forcing people to acknowledge a relationship and fishing for congratulatory remarks.
I retroactively changed my Facebook settings to have changes in relationship status show up in news-feed, however since I had already made the change, it did not get announced to my world of friends. I am okay with this. He is okay with this, but we have made the digital leap into linked profiles on Facebook.
Which led me to another Facebook image issue. Sharing profile pictures. I told him that I do not want to ever share profile pictures because that infringed on my space as an individual. Sharing an image that is supposed to be representative of one’s self and including another person in it makes me think that the person in the photo who actually has the profile attached to it feels that they are not an individual without another person in their life. I do not wish to be known as half of a whole, but a whole unit in synergy with another whole unit whose lives are linked, but not deeply entrenched in the other’s.
I have yet to receive an acknowledgement of a change in relationship status via Facebook or otherwise, which leads me to believe that my change still has not shown up on news feed, and will not show up on news feed and that people are not clicking on my profile and bothering to comment on the relationship status, presumably because they might feel they missed there opportunity and didn’t notice when it showed up on stalker feed, which would have been the appropriate time and place to comment.